The Middle Wife

This is from an email my aunt sent me. I laughed so hard!!!!

Ive been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.

So I always have a few sessionswith my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place anyboundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to schooland talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillowstuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
'This is Luke, my baby brother, andI'm going to tell you about his birthday.''
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad puta seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for ninemonths through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not tolaugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.'

Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked aroundthe house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing ahysterical duck walk and groaning.)' My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't havea sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down inbed like this.'

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case hegot thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, likepsshhheew!'

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimingwater flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of asudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they allsaid it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot oftoys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him forcrawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it'show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.